Tips To Feather Your Nest When The Kids Are Ready To Fly
For the last 18 years or so, you’ve built your life around your kids. The parents of today take the job seriously and take it all the way. Unlike the generation we were raised by, who often adopted a more distant, hands-off approach, you’re dedicated to devoting as much attention as your kids could possibly need, yet mindful not to overdo it. You show up and treasure those magical moments. You’ve hardly missed a game, a performance, a teacher conference or a photo op. You’ve sweated every disappointment as if it were your own, from unrequited crushes to not making the cut on the stage or field. The growing pains are painful and the victories are exhilarating, not just for them but for you, too. You’ve gotten these beloved souls from swimming lessons to the DMV. So what happens when it’s actually time for the big send off away from home?
Parents these days tend to look towards college for their kids by the time they’re in kindergarten. Regardless of the road your offspring take, you’ve done your very best to set them up with the best opportunities for the brightest futures. You’ve been wise to put them first, even sacrificing your own pursuits so you’ll have no regrets when they finally go. Here are some things to know to as you celebrate the launch:
This is actually happening and it will impact you. You were present and attentive, even on those many trips to the orthodontist, just in case your teen might leak a personal update. And then, suddenly, the day comes when they get packed up and move out. After you make sure they have every last thing anyone could ever need from Target, you find yourself in a quieter house. So what then? You’ve been so busy revolving your world around them for the last 2 decades, you haven’t had a chance to stop and think about the impact on—who we talkin’ about again? – oh ya, you.
Let yourself feel the feelings. When the house is quiet and the new normal is still setting in, don’t expect your adjustment to be quick and easy. Your number one mission in life is largely accomplished. But let’s face it, you’re gonna miss ‘em like crazy. It helps to remind yourself that this is how it’s supposed to be—everything you wanted—a natural next step and a happy outcome for all concerned. Afterall, if they’re happy, you’re happy, right? True though this may be, you still might find yourself with the biggest broken heart of your life. Just as it can be a time of conflicting feelings for the new college freshmen who miss home but love their newfound freedom, it’s confusing for parents as well. Isn’t this the moment you’ve all been building up to? So why does it feel like a limb was amputated?
Give yourself permission to be a mess for a while, for a few days, weeks or even a month or two, until the intense feelings subside. Let yourself ride the waves of highs and lows with acceptance. Allow your feelings be as they are and don’t judge them or overthink it. They will pass. Give yourself time to grieve, celebrate, and recalibrate. Keep busy with things you love to do and stay in touch within reason. And since you’re no doubt an over-achieving parent, I don’t have to tell you not to make your process your kid’s problem. As you know, they have their own conflicting feelings and adjustment to manage.
Stay connected on their terms. It takes a while to strike the right balance between letting go and staying connected. The good news is, college kids these days may be more receptive to maintaining familial contact as a support system. This generation of parents has been interested, engaged and involved. Fortunately, we don’t have to give up all contact after high school graduation. We get to check in and stay in touch better than our parents could or did for us. Whether by call, text or video, we can get a front row seat as often as feels fair and fun to everyone. Even as you take your kids’ lead, remember, they’re never too old to know they’re loved.
Turn toward your partnership if you’ve been co-parenting with someone. You must have been vaguely aware that one of these days, it would be just the two of you. Two for taco Tuesday dinner. Two to decide which Netflix show’s next. Two for the road on the weekend. This presents you with a weighty question: how do you feel about the status of your union? If you experience some trepidation about being just a couple again, after being so family focused, that’s normal. Expect that you will need to exert some effort to build a new and different relationship together. If you’ve grown apart while the kids were growing up, give yourselves a chance to grow together again. Seek out couples counseling, if you need some help getting on the right track. This is a big transition. If you play it right, your relationship can be better than ever. Life partnering is a lofty notion—yes. And a worthy one. Those priceless family memories that flood in when your kids leave are shared by someone else—that familiar face on the other end of the couch. Maybe it’s time to celebrate your heroic teamwork as parents? High fives and champagne—you did it!
Allow for opposite emotions. Some couples feel vastly different about launching their kids. One partner may feel a weight has been lifted, while the other is gripped by loneliness. Any and all feelings are valid. They don’t have to match and most likely, they won’t. To support each other, make space for any and all feelings—from grief to relief. (If you do find you need some grief support, check out this soothing App, Grief Refuge, developed by Reid Peterson). Even during the course of a day, you could feel joy at the thought of your young adult happily ensconced at college, or heartbroken that you won’t get a regular hug “hello” at the front door. Much like your kids, who may be alternately homesick and drunk with freedom (excuse the pun), you may feel all kinds of ways. And so might your partner. (Mine delights in “less chaos, less mess, less cooking, less laundry, less stress…”). Focus on allowing, not agreeing. It helps to have someone who gets it like no other. Even if you’re on a totally different page, you’re co-authoring this story.
Make a gratitude list. Even if one parent is giddy and the other is in tears, you will both be able to count your many blessings. Regardless, do look on the bright side daily. Here’s a short list of some things to be grateful for. You can make your own list and keep it on the fridge to remind you that you wouldn’t trade any problems related to the fortunate position of sending your kid to college. 1. They got in! 2. Despite recent Covid lockdowns, they get to attend live classes on campus? 3. Somehow you are affording this. 4. The school seems to be a decent fit. 5. They do come home. You’ll see them again—whether at parents’ weekend, Thanksgiving and/or Winter Break…or a long summer stint. 5. They’re officially adults now. You did it! Which relates to 6. Their bedtime? Not your problem.
Reclaim your dreams: Remember that flame burning within you to set the world on fire when you were verging into your 20s yourself? Ideally, you’ve been keeping it lit, however dimly or brightly it glows. Think of this inner flame as a pilot light that stays on so you can crank it up at will. Then take some of that vast fascination and adoration you have for your offsprings’ outlook and see what happens when you focus it onto yourself. What did you study in college? What did you put on hold to raise a family? The sacrifices you made for your kids were worth it. But what were they? What can you finally go and do? You may find there are some things you can’t do now—like play pro baseball or join the ballet. But mostly, you can still do these things on some scale. You may also find there are things you no longer wish for, because you’ve outgrown old dreams as you’ve grown as a person. Makes sense. But the flames that still flicker within you are worth fanning. No excuses. Have you noticed how long people are living these days? Don’t tell yourself you don’t have time. Even if you’re just a beginner now, you can be an expert in 5 years. Do something audacious. It will help you remember who you are. Not to mention, inspire the rest of us. Your kids leaving home is an ending. But it’s also a beginning.
The Nest is Quite Comfy Thanks. A fifty-something friend, living in a beautiful suburban neighborhood, recently mused, “My kids seem to think I’m permanently placed at the front door with a plate of homemade cookies, just waiting for them to visit from college.” It was funny coming from her- this energetic, radiant, fit woman who scarcely looks like a mother, let alone, a mother of 5 grown kids. There she was, firmly planted in the big family home, just a stone’s throw from the best elementary school within 50 miles, where she’d launched a handful of offspring. So what will she do? What is her identity, apart from involved, attentive mom? As it turns out, this is totally up to her. Who she is now and who she will become is a blank slate. Our culture can’t be depended on to give us the kick in the rear we may need to get a second wind. This generation of parents is creating the new normal. Perhaps Erin trades in baking cookies for trading stocks. We are the ones who must reframe the idea of the “Empty Nest.” After all, is the nest literally empty if you’re still in it?
Recommended Reading: Grown and Flown, by Lisa Heffernan and Mary Dell Harringon, serves as a great resource, if you need additional support as you navigate this phase.